Perceptions

2010-11-12T00:48:00.004+08:00

i keep telling myself... ...

i keep running... i have to....

i must....

suppress

all these...

unneccessary feelings....

i will....

i will.......

i will

you will.

2010-08-07T00:03:00.002+08:00

it's such an incomprehensible disgrace.

that the 'premier shopping destination' does not even house a bookstore.

what have we stooped to? creatures

lusting after material indulgence! striving to fulfill narcissistic desires!

and this degradation has further spiralled

when sleazy entrepreneurs grabbed hold

of this "golden opportunity" to capitalise

on our carnal desires, to maximise profits,

to exploit us economically!

calling ourselves forerunners of civilisation by erecting mall after mall,

by tearing down historical giants to "enlarge the highway for more traffic"

such bullshit!

where are the bookstores? where are the libraries?

feed our starving souls lest we are nothing more than strutting soulless shells!

2010-08-03T23:50:00.001+08:00

"invite" is such an interesting word.

not only it has a dual meaning.

its meanings are in perfect opposite to each other.

it can mean hospitality.

it can mean hostility.

very, very interesting.

2010-08-03T01:37:00.003+08:00

tonight i can write

for the night air smells

of ideas

of inspiration

of intellectual stimulation -

it's such a pity that

sleep is more important

but i don't want to resist

the temptation -

tonight i can write

that the night air smells

of newfound love

of heartwarming kisses

of you -

2010-08-01T23:10:00.000+08:00

drowned in legalese.

2010-07-31T21:04:00.002+08:00

i can be very friendly.

i can be very nice.

i can be very bitchy.

i am sociable.

but i'm not.

it makes me wonder why.

独白话语 #2

2010-06-26T20:57:00.004+08:00

梦想与现实存在的差距，往往都会带着丑陋的面具，冲着我们而来。这是无可避免的。

理想是美妙的；现实，却是很残酷的。是血腥的。

唯一能战胜现实的，是热衷。是那份由始至终坚持不懈的激情与毅力。但是，可以紧握当初心中那股澎湃的热情的，想必屈指可数。就算再潇洒的个性，也得向可悲的金钱主义低头。就算再风流的艺术家，也必须向自己的局限低头。

是的，我们都共存于一个物质世界。没有钱，是万万不能的。

但，有些人却沉醉于虚拟的钞票世界里。

静思一想，钱是一切吗？人，如果为钱而活，那生命的意义何在呢？

人，应该为的是梦想而活。有人说过，人因梦想而伟大。

梦想，即是生命的原因。

放弃了梦想，我们还有活下去的意义吗？

2010-06-26T13:37:00.000+08:00

there are some things in life that should not be let go of.

Monologous Discourse #1

2010-06-25T00:01:00.003+08:00

Three days from now, I might lose my sleep.

Finally, after what has been a six month hiatus from academia, starts a new expedition to scale a more daunting height. The outcome of which would effectively, directly and certainly affect and decide my future university.

It has been, reflectively, a brief yet complicated six months of self-discovery and soul-searching. Sadly, the journey has not been fruitful. The writer feels as confused as he had been two years ago as now. To the writer's undeveloped mentality, he feels that one should clearly identify one's Purpose in life. What is your purpose? Someone is quoted as saying, "a good person strives to satisfy himself; a great person strives to make society a better place to live in". The language is clear, the meaning vague. How does one make society a better place to live in? Who should we benefit? And by what means?

One principle the writer believes in is the wisdom that to succeed in life, "one should play to their strengths". Again, simple language. But a quiet moment of reflection quickly and almost inevitably yields that not all of us can identify our own strengths and weaknesses with authoritative clarity. Do you know what your natural talents are?

As you can see, my writing has deteriorated shamefully. The arguments I present are disjointed. Happily, this shall change three days later, as I embrace a (cliché!) new chapter of my life.

Occasional cheesiness does find its way into my writings, another thing that shall change!

Whatever happens, my studies shall come first. Music second. Love can come later, if at all.

This might change.

Goodnight!

2010-06-01T01:21:00.000+08:00

I HEREBY DECLARE ADAM LAMBERT AS MY OFFICIAL RELIGION

2010-05-30T01:16:00.000+08:00

i should've been watching it with a special someone... not someone who didn't manage to be a special someone....

2010-03-13T01:09:00.001+08:00

someone stole my eyeliner!

2010-03-10T02:29:00.002+08:00

you're back.
but the difference it makes doesn't exist.
where are you?

i still love you, fyi.

2010-03-05T11:19:00.001+08:00

she said, "11th of March:, his heart skipped a beat.

2010-03-04T13:22:00.001+08:00

he said, "love will come by itself". I believed.

Review, please!

2010-02-20T10:12:00.002+08:00

These are the facts:

Ayu, (age unknown) - RM 1000 fine and caned four times.
Aishah (18) - Six months jail (wtf), RM 3000 fine and six strokes of the cane.
Nur (age unknown) - 30 days jail and six strokes of the cane.

The public is left to guess and speculate as to why the sentences meted out by the Syariah Court (and it has also not been specified explicitly as to which Syariah Court handed out these condemnable sentences) grotesquely differs from one another. The difference between the sentences is jaw-droppingly illogical yet scarcely anybody (let it be bloggers or columnists or organisations or local leaders) has pointed out this disturbing fact.

Heaviest Sentence for Youngest Offender?

What that leaves me in no peace is that the second offender, eighteen-year-old Aishah (not her real name, understandably) is given the heaviest sentence out of the three highly-debated sentences. Is there any clue (let alone clarification) regarding this fact? No. But the public would like to know why a merely eighteen-year-old, barely legal girl is meted out such a mind-bogglingly heavy sentence of a jail term of six full months (which I assume, is to run consecutively), on top of that a RM 3000 fine (sufficient to feed a family squatting in the poverty line for a month) and of course the six strokes of the cane. I understand that the severity of the Syariah caning differs greatly from judicial caning in terms of intensity and brutality, but still, the appropriateness of sentence meted out, in regard to the offence committed, is, in my opinion, highly-questionable. (for the difference between Syariah caning and judicial caning, kindly refer to this page)

Syariah law overrules Constitution?

It is understood that Malaysia currently practices a dual justice system, and we were taught in secondary school that the Constitution has legal supremacy over any other laws enacted, and that any law that contradicts the Constitution is in itself invalid. Therefore if indeed "it [the sentence] violates Constitutional guarantees of equality and non-discrimination as whipping of women under Shariah Criminal Offences legislation contradicts civil law where women are not punishable by caning under Section 289 of the Criminal Procedure Code." (source: Sisters condemns caning of 3 Muslim women), the authorities would owe the public an explanation as to why this controversial sentence was carried out. Does the Syariah law, has, in reality, legal supremacy over the Constitution?

The Other Party?

Another unanswered question is regarding the other party involved in the case. Here I'm referring to the men involved in the extra-marital affair which caused the three women all the public humiliation and physical pain they could bear. Unless the explanation is that it is only the women that were married and therefore when they engaged in sex with the men (that has not been mentioned in any of the media), they were committing an offense punishable by the Syariah law and that the men they engaged were in fact, all single and unmarried. Where is the men in this case? The total absence of this all-important other party is just baffling. We all know it takes two palms to clap together. The only, fragmentary mention is that while "All three [offenders] were caned at 10am on the same day. Four men were also caned for committing similar offences at the male prison on the same day." (source: NST Online: 3 Muslim women caned for illicit sex) But are the aforesaid men related in any way to this case we're discussing here? This is another vital question that has yet to be answered by the authorities.

In conclusion, there are many gaping loopholes in the sentencing of this case. Thus I'm sure the public would be in favour of a review of this case and it is urged that the three unfortunate women appeal to a higher power to ensure that their rights are well-protected. If this case is to be let hanging (like so many others in this country and elsewhere), it would be the catalyst to spark the Syariah Courts to mete out increasingly heavy (increasingly ridiculous too, not to mention) punishments for such petty offences. I mean, come on, extra-marital sex is immoral but the gravity of the offense is just outrageously disproportionate to the sentence meted out. Extra-marital sex might be immoral, but we have to admit it happens. What the women (and their husbands) need is a marriage counselor! (just my opinion) Shouldn't the authorities focus on rehabilitating them and helping them rebuild their (undeniably) dysfunctional family instead of shattering the already unstable family? A healthy, loving family is the foundation to a harmonious society, we all know that! Thus I strongly urge that this saddening event that has happened to all of us, as a society, would never repeat itself.

p/s: Judicial caning has never caused death, Mr. Muhyiddin, not that I know of. ("While the caning sentence meted out by civil courts can cause hurt and sometimes even death, caning according to Syariah law is light" - source: The Star: Caning of Muslim women was legal: DPM)

This

2010-02-15T00:57:00.002+08:00

is how I spend my Chinese New Year this year:

Firstly, I got my heart shattered into pieces one day before the purportedly "auspicious" First Day of CNY. Secondly, I had a really sumptuous Reunion Lunch with my dearest family members. All credits to my mum for preparing the usual, but still, all-important dishes. Photos to be uploaded to Facebook soon =)

Amid the raucous laughter that enveloped the atmosphere at my aunt's house, I still can't help but think about the way you posed for my camera. I still can't help but think about how much happier I would be if you were with me, albeit not physically. I don't wanna believe that we were not meant to be together. I wonder why did you not reply all my messages. I wonder why did you not pick up any of my calls. I wonder how are you spending your Chinese New Year?

Dinner was really awesome. We were treated to a pyrotechnical display of cooking skills by my fourth aunt. She's the man! Each and every dish was really excellently prepared. The wine was superb, too. The desserts, sublime (notably the apple crumble). Ah, the gastronomical delights Chinese New Year brings upon us!

Happy Chinese New Year to all~!

2010-02-13T01:53:00.002+08:00

it was exactly what i was dreading. you changed. you chose to forget those times we spent together a day before new year's eve. do you still remember how you used to call me "darling", how you used to call me "dear", how you said you wanna call me "korkor"?

or

do you still remember how you hugged me from behind when i was trying to open the door? do you still remember how you hugged me in the swimming pool when i said i was cold? do you remember how you asked me to hug you from behind in the kitchen? do you remember how we baked the chocolate cake together? do you remember how we kissed, hugging each other?

do you know how much i need you? do you know how important you are to me? do you know how serious i am into our relationship? do you know that i seriously don't need "someone better"? i just need you. i love you. i really really love you. i know you had some feelings for me. i know u believed in our future.

what happened?

you went to NS. you listened to alot of things. you changed. alot.
i should have went with you to NS.

today:
do you know how much effort i put into to make sure you enjoyed yourself today? do you know how much time i spent to prepare for today? do you know how hard i tried to make today a memorable day for us? do you know how much you hurt me when you refused everything i gave you? do you know how much you hurt me everytime you pushed my hand away?

do you know how important you are to me? do you know how deeply you can hurt me? do you know how much i trust you? do you know how pained i was when you were away? do you know how much i really love you?

do you know how much i'm prepared to sacrifice just to be with you? do you how much i want to be with you?

please, darling, i love you.

A Letter to a Friend

2010-02-10T23:51:00.003+08:00

Dear friend, I hope this reaches you well.

I was reading your blog the other day, and well, it was kinda sad to see you so depressed and confused over several matters in your life right now.

Yeah, you're not exactly having the best time of your life right now (which you should be). In fact, you should be enjoying your three-month break from studies immensely 'cause vacations like this won't come by in the near future anymore. Sadly, you've been caught up with an unfortunate fever and also several issues which you have been having complicated thoughts about.

First of all I really hope that you recover fully from your sickness before the eve of Chinese New Year so that you can enjoy quality time with your family and all. Also I hope that you take care of your health especially when you're flying to somewhere humid and cold. Don't eat too much mandarin oranges!

The Meaning of CNY:

Furthermore, I too hope that you can fully appreciate and cherish your time with your family this coming Chinese New Year. Although it may not be what you have in mind ideally (with you having your own plans to visit your relatives and friends), but remember that Chinese New Year is actually about being together with your family. That is the actual meaning of Chinese New Year. That is why we have a traditional Reunion Dinner with our family members one day before Chinese New Year.

Don't worry, you might miss out the so-called CNY feel, but keep in mind that family is more meaningful than all those superficial CNY deco, angpows, tv programmes. Those are only skin-deep (but undeniably they play an important role in the celebrations). What is truly important is to treasure the time with your family together. Take it as an opportunity to take a break away from the strained gaiety of celebrations. Be different! Enjoy your holidays at New Zealand, inhale the fresh air, appreciate the calming beauty of nature, quiet your mind and thoughts. And come back a happier, more relaxed person, ok?

What You Want Will Come:

Another thing is to not worry about your bowling issues. You're a really talented bowler. Don't give up so easily just because you're getting a lil' impatient in getting a good-quality ball. Just have a little more patience and trust there someone up there would grant your wish. The good things in life have a more special place in our hearts because they're harder to come by. So don't think of quitting! It's such a waste! You can aspire to be a really skilled player, really.

Here's what you can do: Visualise (imagine) that you're at the bowling alley, and you're holding your own ball. You stare into those bowling pins, then you step forward and hook the ball perfectly. Imagine the high revolution and the satisfying way the ball hooks into the pocket! You don't need to do anything to get what you want, except to imagine it and believe that your imagination will come true. Maybe it sounds absurd to you but it's actually a very well-known and effective method that many many people have been using! You'll just need to have Faith. Ok? So don't give up! You still need to teach me, hehe =P

I really hope this makes you feel better. Cheer up dude! And Happy Chinese New Year!

Which Book?

2010-02-07T15:23:00.003+08:00

Okay, so I grossly over-estimated myself. Two pages into "A Tale of Two Cities" and I'm already crushed by it's weighty Victorian overtones. The opening paragraph wasn't too bad: "It was the best of times, it was the worse of times, etc etc". But! After that dramatically declamatory passage, the rest is just (to me) frustratingly incomprehensible. Sigh...

So I conclude to let it stay in my bookshelf for another year while I acquire the necessary literary knowledge to consciously appreciate the towering value of that masterpiece =)

As time goes by, I noticed that the way I approach reading has changed, somewhat subtly. Reading, to many, is a past-time, to be enjoyed at leisure. Many people read for sheer emotional and intellectual gratification, in the sense that they chose books according to their personal taste. Now, that's nothing wrong at all with that, after all, it's an enjoyment, not a chore.

The Choice of Books

But what I really want to talk about is not about the "proper" psychological frame of mind one should be in when reading. What that concerns me is our attitude when it comes to choosing books. Sadly, most people do not place much emphasis on the actual literary value and depth of a book. Instead, many prefer to read books that are well-publicised.

How many people carefully evaluate a book's inner content: the message it carries, the theme it centralises on, the social impact it aims to achieve, and also the writer's penmanship, before spending hard-earned money on it? For example, there has been all this hype about the "Twilight Saga", but technically, it merely falls under the category of "teenage romance". Not that it is an illegitimate genre, but it offers more emotional pleasure than intellectual gain. What can we learn from books like this? How to be a vampire?

Intellect vs Emotions

Nevertheless, we are not robots. We are humans. Highly Emotional beings. Therefore we must strike a reasonably well balance between cold intellect and fiery emotions. The next time you buy a book, ask yourself, is it worth my RM xxx? What can I learn from it? A well-written book will (in most cases), be both satisfying, emotionally and intellectually as well. An oft-repeated notion is that an intellectual work will be generally boring and inaccessible to the reader. This is not true. To those who haven't tried out Indian writers, give them a try! They are the most powerfully descriptive and painfully intellectual group of writers I've ever seen.

So, be wise in choosing your next book!

2010-01-31T16:00:00.005+08:00

As I have mentioned before, the Malaysian education system, I suspect, actively deters those unfortunate enough to go through it (which means a vast majority of Malaysians) to become highly-opinionated individuals. In order to counter this worryingly unhealthy phenomena, all of us have to strive to become more and more open-minded and above all, vociferously critical. If some find this a radical suggestion, let it be.

Today I want to talk about eople who put songs on their blogs. Selfish, self-centred people. It might sound harsh and blunt but that's the way things get productive. People who put songs or any form or genre of music on their blogs, might be doing so with a good intention, actually. There are also people who do so merely because they enjoy listening to that particular song so much they want other (unfortunate) people to listen to it and fall in love with it.

The former kind of bloggers are those that we can probably forgive. And then it's a matter of taste. For example, some people put up motivational songs/religious songs/soothing music. While all of those might have a positive effect on the mind when appropriately played (right time, right place), they can also sound annoying to differing individuals. Again, it is a matter of taste.

What that really annoys us is the latter kind of bloggers who put a song on their blog just because 1) they think it's cool to put songs on their blog 2) they enjoy listening to those particular songs so much they wanna share the joy and other reasons that only they could think up of.
Imagine listening to Mahler Sixth, so heart-achingly beautiful and sonorous yet broodingly tragic. AND an electric guitar (playing fff) slams into the plethora of ghostly harmonies. It is truly, rudeness in it's most vulgar, disruptive and annoying form. That was exactly what happened to me just now. But it is not the first time. It will not be the last either. There are many many bloggers in cyberspace out there who don't realise the inconsiderateness of their actions. It is really, extremely rude to disturb another person's music. So please, refrain from posting music up your blog.

2010-01-15T15:14:00.003+08:00

"it's very unclear what you're telling me now"

yes I know it's unclear. I know it doesn't make sense. At all. I'm sorry but I'm really horribly confused about my music studies now. I don't know what's going on in my brain or what creature has resided in the grey cells of my cerebrum that keeps telling me I will never make it as what I aspire to be if I plunge into a music career.

I don't know. A professional music career seems so far-fetched. The question before this was about choices between the diverged path. Fiery passions or cold reasons? That was actually not a difficult question to answer. But now, I lose even the ability to differentiate between what I like and what I do not. Do I even like music at all? Does six, eight hours of practicing mean anything? I've been through this hating-music phase, I have. But what if I suspend my music studies now, and all my technique rots away, and what happens if I suddenly feel the fire burning in me again? Will it be too late?

I don't know. What do I want?

I want to be back in secondary school. That's what I want, right now.

2010-01-08T23:39:00.002+08:00

to take a break from random commentary on current issues which I realise I've been doing lately, I have only one thing to say about the church-bombing incident that took place today in our country: It's FCUKING brainless. (typo intended)

I could go on but, nah, we'll just sit on the fence (for the time being) and scrutinise how our dear government will respond and react to this historically-important (albeit not in a positive light) event. I wonder if this will be recorded in our future history textbooks? To quote a friend's witty comment: "Oh Allahku, berkatilah negaraku Malaysia..." Thumbs up!

Anyway, MPYO internal audition scores have arrived today at my mailbox. Unnervingly, the Overture Miniature from Tchaikovsky's Nutcracker has found its way into one of the excerpts! And a passage from Mozart's Symphony No.40 in G minor...! Oh gosh..! Curiously, the other two scores are unmarked, one looks suspiciously like an excerpt from a Mahler symphony. The other? I have NO idea. Great, I better revive my practice routine! What? Class next Saturday? D.I.E. My music studies are really falling apart.

And that's not the only thing. There are so many decisions that have yet to be made.

1) Which college?
2) Which intake?
3) Subjects combination? No Literature? Business studies or Psychology?
4) Part-time job?

So 11 years of formal schooling has led me to this path diverged in two ways? Should I take the road less travelled by? Should I act accordingly to societal norms?
I just realised how much I love Literature and at the same time how terribly I detest it. It's another love-hate relationship. Really, in each relationship the presence of both is inevitable. And the way we embrace the differences is an embodiment of our personality.

Good luck to everyone who's starting college! And yes, Louise, Economics was a cool decision.

2010-01-05T23:05:00.007+08:00

61 hours, 30 minutes:
not a second was unoccupied without
memories of your adorable smile
your intense heat, that enveloped me
burns vividly still in my mind

life without you is not unlike
a traveller in the Sahara deprived
of water, a diver
without, an oxygen tank
i sink helplessly
into painful, anguished spasms of longing

72 hours, 20 minutes:
until the promised time,
when i can bathe
in the blissful comfort of your voice
save me
temporarily
from the excruciating pain i'm experiencing
please

(i can't wait any longer)
your absence from my life
is like a laptop sans battery
what am i without you?

72 hours and 5 minutes:
baby i miss you

2010-01-02T23:36:00.002+08:00

So it's the second day into the year 2010. I'm sure resolutions have been prepared (by most people, anyway). Resolutions, in my opinion, is an extremely personal piece of information. Frankly, for me, it's privacy settings is no less than a personal diary.

When we prepare a resolution, we reflect upon what we did in the past year (and also what we did not do). Reflection is after all, the first step to preparing a sound, logical resolution. Because only we ourselves know full well personally in good conscience what was done and what wasn't (but was supposed to be done). All of these are in our conscience, we need not announce them to the whole world.

There are many many ways to make a resolution work. Some favour a cold, cut-and-dried system using timetables, action plans, reviews, follow-ups et cetera. However, others might prefer a more holistic, personal and human approach. It's all in the mind, they say. However effective action plans might be, those are impersonal. Their effectiveness arises from the fact that they're imposing rigid guidelines on how one should carry out a task to achieve a target. It does not take into account the moral-righteousness of the target. It does not take into account the mindset of the person carrying out the task. It's inhuman.

Contrastingly, a holistic approach in making resolutions succeed might be considerably less systematic. However, what's important in our endeavours is that we're totally, passionately committed to it and we set our mind to achieving that goal. When the mindset is properly orientated, that's really more than enough. The power of the mind is remarkably immesurable. It actually behaves like gravity. It's there. It's just up to us to utilise it properly.

So, which way?

2009-12-31T12:16:00.002+08:00

I guess "reviving blogging" did make its way onto my resolution list. So instead of waiting for 2009 to fade away to the obscurities of our tiny grey cells, why don't we start now?

Unnervingly, I realize that I've became more self-conscious when it comes to portraying my own self on the net (here) where literally the whole world can see what you write. Maybe it's because I believe that how a person writes betrays his or her's inner personality, however subtly.

Yes, we all have an "inner personality". Don't we? I have a shrewd suspicion there's a politically-correct psychological term for it but as look as the point cuts through, terms don't really matter, right? The fact is (or so, in my opinion), we live in a dysfunctional society. Really, if we're breathing in a sanely, healthy world, why do we ultimately need judicial laws? In fact, which came first? Did judicial laws corrupt society or did a corrupt society brought along the justice system? Human nature is to go against whatever that is unpleasing. So did unpleasing laws brought along a worse society? Ironically, is the justice system itself is to blame? Is utopia even tangible?

On another loosely related, but even more significant subject, is the death penalty even morally correct? I reserve my suspicions towards the number of people who actually read in detail about the recent case involving Akmal Shaikh, who was convicted of drug-smuggling and sentenced to death by the Supreme Court in China. Being the first European to be sentenced to death by the communist-ruled country in nearly 60 years, it has reasonably sparked much debate and discussion. The report by MSNBC can be read here, which I feel takes a reasonably neutral stand on the issue.
Not surprisingly, the following two reports, one by United Kingdom's The Guardian and the other by China's XinHuaNet on the identical issue is living, classic example of how humans defend their own stand and how a single issue can be viewed from two polar opposites.
In my opinion, it's tragic. It just is. This is not the first case of an innocent man who lost his life because of a case of seriously misplaced trust. There were many others. There will be more.
In the light of a new year, the human race claims to be more and more sophisticated (there's even already a Wikipedia page on the subject of Akmal Shaikh). But we're allowing such gruesome miscarriage of justice to happen. Civilised people my foot.

Someone from another continent recently said of young people in this country who are not allowed to voice out our opinions. Looking back, it's spot on. The state education system rarely, if ever, encourages the student to voice out and defend their own opinions. We are never asked to question the textbook, no. Thus we see the system churning out year after year of graduates, their minds numb from the sheer amount of data to be memorised, but lack the vital capacity to be opinionated. Yes, even the word "opinionated" looks alien, no?

2010, new hopes?